Category Walk on the Wild Side

Guy Lights a Fire Under Bank of America’s Hind Parts

Insert Bank of America behinds over top...Photo by Baronsquirrel.

Occasionally, I like to write about things here that have nothing to do with football and today I was alerted to a story about an MBA candidate that I wrote about at my day job. He won a prestigious entrepreneurship competition for presenting a pitch for a product that actually has football implications – a hand-held device called the Traumatic Brain Injury Test (T-BIT), which determines whether an athlete has a concussion.

However Ken Williams didn’t get into the news for T-BIT, but for finding an inventive and humorous way to get Bank of America to stop dragging its feet: a music video.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/4rEfSupQB78] Continue reading

Walk on the Wild Side Exposed: Rex Grossman is impersonating Cecil Lammey!

Author’s Note: This was my planned defense for John Beck in our Fantasy Court segment scheduled for the October 20 broadcast of The Audible Roundtable. Unfortunately, we have suspicions that Rex Grossman tampered with my phone line so he could continue to impersonate our beloved host Cecil Lammey for the entire two hours and persecute (not prosecute) John Beck. Second, more serious note: Rex Grossman deserves credit for having the skill to even warrant consideration as an NFL starter and perform as well as he has at times. I’m piling on to an unfortunate situation for him, but I’m using him more as a character than the person he is.

Waldman: Your honor, the Audible jury, football fans – especially the victims in this case, the Redskins fans.  I’ve reviewed the evidence. So have a panel of preeminent expert witnesses I will call before you. Among them are Steve Young, Ron Jaworski, Greg Cosell, Dave Razzano, Dan Shonka, and a host of others who agree that Beck has the arm talent, mobility, poise, accuracy, and anticipation to develop into a good NFL starter. What has prevented Beck from doing so was a lack of a real opportunity.

There is no justice in the NFL. Life isn’t fair and John Beck didn’t cry about it. He didn’t cry when Bill Parcells never gave him a chance after the Miami Dolphins under Cam Cameron attempted, and failed to impersonate a football team. No, instead Parcells opted for one of of his patented big-armed, two-cent savvy Robo-QBs. Guys who might shout loud enough get Lammey’s attention, but can only look at one quadrant of the field at a time.

Beck didn’t cry when the Ravens let him go to Washington although we have written testimony that some Ravens players did, which we have also entered into evidence with this court.

And he didn’t cry when Mike Shanahan opted to give Rex Grossman the first chance to reveal his true colors.

But let’s get back to justice. What is justice. What is the intention of justice. The intention of justice is to see that the guilty people are proven guilty and that the innocent are freed. Simple isn’t it. Only it’s not that simple. However, it is the defense counselor’s duty to protect the rights of the individual as it is the prosecutions duty to uphold and defend the laws of fantasy football. But we want to win. We want to win regardless of the truth. We want to win regardless of justice. REGARDLESS! of who is guilty or innocent. WINNING…is everything.

And ladies and gentlemen of the Audible jury of listeners, the prosecution is not going to get John Beck TODAY! No…because I’M GONNA GET THE PROSECUTION! OUR PLAINTIFF!!! THE HONORABLE MOTORBOATING SON OF A BITCH CECIL “BIG-MEX” LAMMEY HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED AND IMPERSONATED BY DEPOSED REDSKINS QUARTERBACK REX GROSSMAN.

I HAVE VISUAL PROOF!

GROSSMAN, WHO WE DISCOVERED JUST MINUTES AGO HAS HIRED MATT JONES, THE ROCK N’ ROLL CLOWN,  TO DOPE LAMMEY AND CONFINE HIM IN THE MEN’S ROOM STALL OF AN IHOP IN ARVADA, Colorado SHOULD GO STRAIGHT TO THE WASHINGTON BENCH! THE SONOFABITCH IS GUILTY! THAT MAN IS GUILTY!

THAT MAN THERE!

THAT MAN THERE IS A SLIME!

HE IS A SLIME.

IF HE’S ALLOWED TO GO FREE  then something REEAAAALLLY wrong is goin’ on here!

Judge Bloom: Mr. Waldman you are out of order!
Waldman: YOUR’E OUT OF ORDER! YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER! THE WHOLE TRIAL IS OUT OF ORDA! THEY’RE OUT OF ORDA!  THAT MAN! THAT SICK, CRAZY, DEPRAVED MAN, THREW FOUR INTERCEPTIONS IN ONE GAME AND IT WASN’T EVEN CLOSE TO HIS WORST GAME AS AN NFL QUARTERBACK AND HE’D LIKE TO DO IT AGAIN! HE TOLD ME SO! IT’S JUST A SHOW!

IT’S  LET’S MAKE A DEAL! LET’S MAKE A DEAL!

HEY SIGMUND, YOU WANNA “MAKE A DEAL!” I GOT AN INSANE NFL QUARTERBACK WHO LIKES TO MAKE CRAZY THROWS, KILL OFFENSES, AND IMPERSONATE OUR AUDIBLE HOST!

WHADDYA GIMMEE SIGMUND, 3 WEEKS PROBATION?

I HEAR YOU OVER THERE GROSSMAN, YOU’VE BEEN EXPOSED. YOU JUST WISH YOU COULD STRAP ON THAT BIB AND MOTORBOAT RYAN TORAIN, BUT CECIL WOULD NEVER DO THAT! HE’D ONLY DO IT TO STEPHEN DAVIS OR JOHN RIGGINS!

Waldman: [to Grossman] You, you sonofabitch, you! You’re supposed to *hit the target!* You’re supposed to protect a lead! But instead you murder it!
[dragged out of court by bailiffs]
Waldman: You killed the Redskins! You killed them! Hold it! Hold it! I just completed my opening statement!

Walk on the Wild Side: Addiction

Maurice Jones-Drew and Elvis Dumervil are just teasing you with the action you want to see. Photo by Jeffrey Beall.

This is an opinion piece of mine from last year that I delivered for my weekly segment “A Walk on the Wildside,” at The Audible on Thursday nights at 10pm EST. The opinions expressed here are not those of The Audible, Cecil Lammey, Sigmund Bloom, or Footballguys.com

12-step programs tell people that the first step towards fixing a problem is admitting that you have one.

Well folks, I have a problem. While I’ve read that a lot of men have this very same addiction. I want each and every one of you out there to understand something. I’m admitting my problem not out of a selfless desire to help others. I’m doing it because I have low self-esteem and I have grandiose visions of using this segment as a bully pulpit to wallow in my problems for your entertainment.

Isn’t that what they do on half of the network shows in prime time?

If you find it helps you along the way with your hang up – then trust me when I tell you that it’s purely an unintentional consequence.

Because when it comes down to it I’m just a nanoscopic public figure operating on the coattails of the inimitable Sigmund Bloom and rising media personality Cecil Lammey, by the way whose star is getting so big that I’m expecting to flip past VH-1 later tonight and learn that he’ll be next season’s guest-star-slash-patient on Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab.

Can’t you imagine it? Cecil Lammey at group therapy. He’ll be seated between Gary Busey and Bobby from Taxi as fellow first-time patient Matt Jones lays into Lammey for his Dr. Roxo routine. As T.O. would say “Get your popcorn ready.”

As you can see my friends, I’m just a pilot fish with no track record clinging onto two fantasy sharks swimming the waters of the world wide web.

But seriously, low self-esteem is just a symptom of my greater problem.

And I think you know what my problem is, because many of you have it to. We make excuses for it all the time. We tell our spouses or girlfriends that its just part of being a red-blooded, American male. We joke about it over drinks with our pals. We write about it on message boards.

And we’ve fantasized about it ever since we were old enough to experience what it must feel like for the first time.

If you want to see how much its glorified just look around you.

It’s in magazines, on VHS, DVD, .JPEG, .MPEG, and sometimes it’s even on YouTube although they try to get rid of it quickly.

You can read it, download it, and stream it practically anywhere and everywhere.

Heck, I watch it Sundays, Mondays and sometimes Thursdays and Saturdays. I’m so obsessed with it, I have hundreds of hours of discs tucked away in my home office. And if you’re careful enough you can even sneak some viewing time on the job, although I’d say HR would probably frown upon it.

Frankly, I’m just amazed I have the energy to watch so much.

And better yet, producers of this content even cater to a variety of demographics.

Depending on your taste, it’s available in high-gloss, full-color spreads or iconic black and white photos for those that like the arty stuff. Some producers and directors of the film variety like to add music, which can sometimes provide a stirringly inspirational complement to the scene (if you know what I mean). But most of the time the cheesy soundtracks are pure unintentional comedy. Of course some people like a good laugh, but that’s a personal thing I don’t need to know about.

One thing’s for sure: We have a really messed up relationship with its stars. Some of us on the far right of the political spectrum talk about them as if they represent the scourges of society. We say they are social deviants that need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and change their ways rather than make excuses for their behavior by blaming their childhood. But once we use them up for our enjoyment and they grow too old to get work, we throw them out like replaceable parts. They went into it with their eyes wide open, we say. They knew the consequences.

Those of us on the far left aren’t much better. We believe them as victims that need our help. We claim they had few other paths and that their industry preys on them. Sure they all profit, but in the long run their lack of good upbringing or training gets them used and they’re stuck to this way of life until they are kicked out with nothing. We say their industry needs to be the ones to provide them continuing education and better long-term benefits. Somehow we think this will assuage our liberal guilt about enjoying what they are doing over an over.

I must admit it’s really exciting watching them do it – especially when you see a two-on-one or even a three-on-one. But on the whole I’m pretty old-fashioned; personally I prefer to see it on-on-one.

And I’m lucky, because my wife loves it. She gets fired up when she sees it and she likes it rough. Just thinking about it gets the juices flowing.

And to be perfectly honest, we want our children to eventually experience the joys of it. Just in a healthier, safe, and non-exploitative environment when they are old enough, they understand the risks involved, and they aren’t part of an industry that will use them and toss them aside.

As you can clearly see my addiction is with pornography. And if you listen to this show I can safely bet you have one, too if you consider porn in the classical sense.

Pornography defined is the depiction of acts in a sensational manner as to arouse a quick, intense emotional reaction. You can’t deny that watching athletic young men in padded uniforms hitting each other as hard as they can is highly pornographic.

And the NFL knows it.

It photographs it, films it, produces it and displays it with striking similarity to the stuff that Cecil, Gary Busey, and Matt Jones will be trying to access on late-night TV at the rehab center after they put roofies in the night nurse’s java.

The NFL had no incentive to really crack down on hitting until there were investigative stories on the long-term effects of concussions.  Only then did it threaten their bottom line.

What they were doing was almost farcical until Malcolm Gladwell wrote a piece comparing NFL players to mistreated pit bulls. The league handled illegal hits with fines that went into an account that the NFL would then donate to charity as a tax write-off. All this did was help the league get good PR on two fronts: giving back to the community and presenting a tough image that was nothing more than lip service. If they were serious that money should have been added to an account to help research better methods of player protection.

The best way to tell it was all lip service is from the reactions of the players.  Rodney Harrison said it best Sunday night; the fines didn’t persuade coaches or players to use safer techniques, but suspension did.

And I suspect the NFL feared suspensions would lower TV ratings because the public wouldn’t see two teams at its best when its key players were not in the game.

Funny how they’d suspend for drug use or criminal behavior to keep the media from scampering up their hindquarters and setting up camp,  but when it came to behavior that had the same or worse long-term effects, they rarely did anything substantial until that tarnish began to appear on their coveted red, white and blue shield.

In hindsight you would have thought that they would have rather suspended stars than shorten their career spans from unnecessary injury. But that meant spending money and time that might cost too much money. Hindsight…

But I do have to give props to the NFL’s week six response to the hits that laid out Pro Bowl quality players DeSean Jackson, Joshua Cribbs, and Todd Heap.  They sent a four and a half minute instructional video to players that they also released to the public. You can find it on NFL.com and it establishes clear ground rules and warns of future suspensions if players are cited for future infractions – even for first-time offenders.

But don’t worry fellow football pornographers, the NFL still knows where its bread is buttered.  If you watch the film (and I know you will). You’ll see one of our favorite stars – Ray Lewis – deliver the goods as an example of how to hit the right away.

Once James Harrison finishes crying into one of those yellow Pittsburgh hankies in Mike Tomlin’s office, he needs to watch that film. Because if Ray Lewis is good enough to do it right then Harrison just has to man-up and become a better football player.

James Harrison needs some pointers from Ray Lewis on the art of hitting. Right now his craft is just low-rent porn.

Don’t wuss out and quit, accept the challenge and become more skilled. That goes for any other pro that believes the NFL is turning into a sissified game. Because if the best defender in the league for the past decade can do it textbook, so should they.

I love to watch a good hit. I love the violence of the game. But for the sport to succeed you shouldn’t have to compare it to the type of pornography that you might want to see just as long as someone close to you isn’t its star.

Walk On The Wildside: Unwritten Rules Of Football (and Life)

Derek Anderson, as my old friend Russ Bell would say, “It’s just f’n whiffle ball.” Photo by Matt McGee

This is an opinion piece of mine from last year that I delivered for my weekly segment “A Walk on the Wildside,” at The Audible on Thursday nights at 10pm EST. The opinions expressed here are not those of The Audible, Cecil Lammey, Sigmund Bloom, or Footballguys.com

As many of you know, I grew up in Atlanta, Georgia, home of Coca-Cola.

If you’ve never been to Georgia then you might not realize how much Coke is a part of life around here. Unless of course, you’re a (North) Cackalacky like my wife who still wonders why people look at her funny when she asks for a Pepsi. There are some things you just don’t do – or at least have the sense to know what you’re getting into when you do it.

Coke is so ingrained around here that my buddy Russ Bell, who runs a local grocery chain in Athens, made the drink a semi-official sponsor for his obsession with wiffle ball.  Yes. Wiffle Ball.

Years ago, Bell became the owner-proprietor-groundskeeper of a wiffle ball diamond. Not so coincidentally it was part of a package deal in the mortgage that included his first home (as backyards generally are). Just off the bank of a small river that runs beyond the boundary of his backyard, Bell christened his ballpark Frank Field.

Frank Field was inspired by Bell’s love of two people: Continue reading

A Walk on the Wild Side: NFL and FBS Politicking

This is where politics and public relations can go horribly wrong.

The following post is the transcript of an on-air editorial I presented on The Audible Roundtable during Week 11 of the 2010 football season. The opinions herein do not reflect those of my Audible co-hosts Cecil Lammey and Sigmund Bloom our our sponsor Footballguys.com. The Terry Tate Office Linebacker Undergoes Sensitivity Training segment was not broadcast in the original segment (but you know you want to see it again).

[Author’s Note]: Two days after this segment, the University of Illinois and Northwestern came to their senses after enormous media exposure in the days preceding  game at Wrigley Field to implement a stopgap safety measure Continue reading

Walk on the Wild Side: 2011 NFL Free Agency

Does this look like Korea to you? Corporal Chad "Klinger" Ochocinco (near right) might say so. Can you guess who Frank Burns is in this picture (far left)? Photo by Navin75

Thursday nights, I join my fellow Footballguys.com staffers the fantastic Cecil Lammey and the incredible Sigmund Bloom on The Audible Roundtable  at 10pm-12am EST on Blog Talk Radio. We talk about the week in football, share fantasy football strategies, and answer listener questions. 

If you aren’t aware, Lammey and Bloom built this show into one of the most popular – if not the most popular – fantasy sports show on iTunes. Bloom suggested I post the written version of my segment “Take a Walk on the Wild Side.” I hope you enjoy as much as he did.

Welcome back to Take a Walk on the Wildside, otherwise known as the place where I get free license to pick on Cecil Lammey and not get my ass kicked.

Not that I’m a scrawny guy. I’ve got the slight height and reach advantage on Big Mex and depending on what Cec is doing, conditioning might be a push.

However, Lammey has the nut-job factor. You know, like Curly in the Three Stooges episode where he’s the boxer whose lights stay on despite all vestiges of rationality leaving the house (seven-minute mark)  whenever he hears Pop Goes The Weasel.

No officers, I was just standing there listening to Wildman pop off about Mikel Leshoure running like he was a scat back and this red light washed over me. Next thing I knew, Wildman was on the floor unconscious, Bloom was stuck in the fireplace flue, and you guys were on top of me. That mace is still stinging my eyes! Why am I still wearing these bracelets???

Cecil is the kind of guy I’d much rather have on my side – unless I have 20 yards, his back to me, and a shotgun loaded with large game tranquilizer.

I thought it was appropriate to relate the stupidity of crossing someone like Cecil  Lammey because with free agency underway, I’d to list the transactional equivalents of NFL teams playing Pop Goes The Weasel to a stadium filled with Curly Howards and Cecil Lammeys. Continue reading